Monday, May 27, 2013

May 27, 2013 - Market Vendor


A few weeks ago a headline scream at me from de Nation newspaper “Venezuela short on toilet paper,” de article went on to say dat they got plenty shortages on many essentials, including milk butter coffee and cornmeal.Of course yuh know who de government say responsible, de political opponents!
I note dat de government say dey got a shortage of TOILET paper and therefore in my view things not so bad as I will show. I got de answer fuh President Maduro. But first a lil story, years ago I went pun a visit to Cuba and my Cuban hosts treat de Vendor real proper, courtesy car, Mercedes to boot, (please note Debbie Simpson,) guide to show me all de wonderful things dat did happening. Every meeting I went to I get serve coffee, I didn’t have to ask for it, dem just place a cup in front yuh and a senorita, too good looking to say no to, would pour de coffee and de sooner you done, she dey again pouring dis dark almost syrup like beverage.
I never drink summuch coffee in muh life before, so much so dat all night long me and Merville Lynch driving bout Havana cause we can’t sleep! (Debs, ask he wha we was doing till sometimes 3.a.m in de morning,) but suddenly so I felt de call of mother nature, I hold on so tight pun de table dat my fingernails imbedded all now and my DNA in a Cuban office! When I start to break out wid cold sweats ah couldn’t tek it no more and as ah wasn’t wearing a brown pants I had to find de bathroom in a hurry. As it was I barely mek into de cubicle, it was a dash from de office to de bathroom, a sprint like Bolt in de hundred metres! Disrobing and sitting pun de throne, mother nature did her thing and I did mine, it was only while waiting for mother nature second call dat I start to relax and look around, looking fuh de toilet paper! Toilet who? Not a piece in sight, de Vendor clearly had a problem, a set back! “Hello, buenos dias, anybody, wunnah got toilet paper? Yo no tengo toilet paper! Por favor! Preferably de Charmin variety dat soft pun muh backside?” no answer, I in a predicament, I got a setback! After bout 15 minutes I figure dem bound to come looking fuh me, perish de thought, not even Merville Lynch! What to do? Dey say necessity is the mother of invention looking around I see copies of de Cuban paper Granma pun de floor, all I could tell wunnah is one minute I had Granma in hand reading and de next I had de solution to my problem in hand also!
It was not de first time neither in muh life dat I became a newspaperman! Recycling is truly a good thing! Cubans don’t flush de toilet paper, dem does put it in a bucket, must mek good organic manure!
So to my Venezuelan friends, since wunnah only got a shortage of TOILET paper, I suggest one of two options, recycle de newspapers and government documents, wunnah got bare doo doo in dem anyway, dis gine bring things full circle,so to speak.Alternatively, once wunnah got water then a good wash is also a practical option, save having the news of de day printed pun yuh rear end! Ask any of de brethren from de Indian sub continent bout de joys of washing!
I, Market Vendor gone fuh now, you have a blessed and a wonderful day yuh hear?

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