Sunday, August 30, 2015

The Opposite sex

I grow up in a house wid 7 women, I got three daughters, in my time I have known a lady or two yet to dis day understanding them is a work in progress, so today I sharing some experiences in de hope dat it might save a fella or two from a fate worse than death.
One of de first things I learn bout women is dat dem got iron clad memories and as time pass de memory of events does become ironclad and facts more and more distorted, however,do not open yuh mout and try to correct the lady cause de voice gine raise, when it reach what I call screech point, almost distorted, hush, cause invisible air plugs gone in and she cannot hear a word coming from you.
Understanding my mother was my first challenge, tek discipline fuh starters. A cut ass from yuh father is just that, a cut ass for doing something he decide pun he own, deserve punishment. Wid my mudder however, do something wrong, yuh get lather rinse in lashes, you bawling from de punishment, two minutes later yuh mother crying too and hugging you while de lashes still stinging!
When she losing an argument de default position was always “boy I may not be always right but I am never wrong” today I recognize dem lines as a female anthem.
Saying sorry, this is something men do, sometimes under duress unless you want long cold days of conversations punctuated wid monosyllables, like, FINE, YES, NO, FINE, UH HUH, FINE tends to dominate, it is always welcome however after three days of stuepes followed by heaving sighs, not unlike a dying person’s last gasp!
Women NEVER say sorry unless preceded by or followed by a caveat, always qualified and never offered spontaneously unless it comes from a daughter and only after many hours of reflection!
They say never go to sleep angry, well unless yuh want to go a week without sleep, dem people who write dat crap, maybe dem does do night shifts or suffer from insomnia, or priests and we know dem don’t have spouses!
An interesting statistic, based pun imperical research, women tend to have more headaches than men and most headaches in women occur at night! Prof Sir Henry Fraser can confirm this medical fact!
Key point, ladies have filters, they select words that offend, even if those words are taken out of context and will use them in rebuttals and as reminders repeatedly, as years roll by, the distortions will be magnified a thousand fold.
Example, once, madam was liming on de lawn wid some other ladies and in an off de cuff, unscripted remark I said, when wunnah was sitting pun de lawn I look up and I mistake Claire’s legs fuh yours, note, I did not say I was admiring de lady’s legs, to be fair de madam didn’t suggest that either, but because Claire had “thick” legs de interpretation was dat I said de madam was fat. Lord, help muh!
 20 years on dis little anecdote does come up annoyingly in conversations wid friends “and can you imagine my husband told me I was fat and compared my legs to hers” and on and on! Note, madam has never ever in her life been fat!
Recall is selective, “remind me I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow at 10 cause I might forget” yet dat same woman can recall the store, price and time she bought a dress, on sale, in Dublin 8 years ago or the fact dat I made her lose her beautiful (it was old) carry-on bag which had to be dumped because the clown at security in London said to was too big and there was no time to check it in. “ I loved that carry on bag!” the fact that it was replaced with a Tumi carry on, in matching burnt orange is never included in de recall of events!You see me?
I Market Vendor gone fuh now, you have a blessed and a wonderful day,yuh hear?


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