Sunday, September 20, 2015

Driving Miss Daisy

Let me declare my hand upfront, mankind cannot do without womankind in he life and if he say he can, he lie! In order to preserve relationships there are certain rules which everyman must know and follow, believe de Vendor when he say so, because I have paid dearly to learn, and when I say paid I mean paid in more ways than one! Had I known then what I know now I would be richer for the experiences, in more ways than one! So today, if I can help one fool out there to avoid certain mistakes, I may save a life in the process. You see de idiot in Guyana who get into a fight over property wid he wife, supposedly telling she dat when he win de battle in de courts  she gine be living pun de streets, de wife hire a hitman and de husband get wipe out, stabbed several times!And de price for de hit? Apparently de wife offer an airline ticket. The late fool should have settled up with de wife, give her what she was entitled to, then start and rebuild he life but no, jackass had to make idle threats and de wife decide if I gine be pun de street, you gine be in de ground! Rule one, when yuh in battle, you don’t determine de rules of engagement and do not presume you alone got weapons, all is fair in love and war! Fundamental rule, never ever EVER to be broken, has to do with teaching any female that you currently have in your life, mother, aunt, sister, in law or outlaw, girlfriend, daughter or wife, TO DRIVE! Never EVER do dat, if you do, prepare to have either an ex girlfriend or exwife or if lucky, survive with a cold war period where all she does is grunt occasionally in response to anything you say for at least six months, and sex? Of well, you can forget that for at least the next millennium!
De trap is laid when she says she wants to learn to drive, runs her hand through your hair,unless yuh bald, nibbles pun yuh ear and whisper sweetly, darling you gine teach me how to drive? If you go through dat red light, I guarantee that within 15 minutes of lesson one, (the only lesson there will be) you and she gine be hollering at another, she might stop and get out de car, tell yuh bout yuh mother, suggest that you have sex with yuself and determine she never ever want to see you again while hailing every stranger in passing cars for a lift and you meanwhile muttering “but but I was only trying to teach you,” NO! You do not try to teach any woman you are remotely connected to, to drive, what you do is call Tony Sealy at 264 3831 and he will quote you a price, what ever price it is, it is a good price, pay it!
Rule number one then, you have four choices call Tony to teach the lady to drive, find a lady who already has a driver’s licence, have Carl at Carl’s taxi ( I got he number pun speed dial) to take she wherever she needs to go, OR move to Saudi Arabia where women do not generally drive or Trinidad where she gine be frighten to drive! If she already has a driver licence but no car, wuhloss, look trouble, make friends with Ron Davis at Globe Finance or be prepared to wait while she stakes you out like a cow as she does her business with your car and you wait and wait!
 I Market Vendor gone fuh now, you have a blessed and a wonderful day, yuh hear?

P.S. reading material for young male fools, read Women are from Venus and Men from Mars, de book may be short but it will lengthen yuh life!

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