Sunday, September 13, 2015

Manners maketh man!

My mother always instill in Vendor dat manners maketh man, thankfully, cause if she didn’t I would get into a lot of trouble wid my mouth by telling people exactly what I think when they ask foolish questions of me.
Yuh arrive at a bank wid a cheque, made out to you, yuh sign de back,nowhere says deposit please yet cashier question, would you like to cash that sir? Not really, I just here to show you a piece of paper and ponder pun yuh ugly face! Usually the next question is and how would you like the cash, I does smile cause sometimes I tempted to say give me in Zimbawean dollars please! How yuh mean, how would I like de cash? I want money, not so?
At a cashier’s desk in a U.S. department store with three items, first stupid question, would you like to pay for those items? Not really I was thinking bout going into the toilet and putting on the three dresses I bought fuh muh daughter and then bolt through de door but I know security gine catch me! Of course I want to pay for de items, isn’t dat why I am standing in line fuh 15 minutes waiting on you, Dumbo!
De best is when they ask, will that de all? You see me wid anything else, you feel I hiding something in my underpants, what yuh mean will dat be all? You accusing de Vendor of shoplifting? If there was more would I not have produced it?
Gone to dinner, trying to injest de meat dat tough like de economy and some waiter wid not enough to do gine ask, is everything alright? Everything in not all right,wunnah got some beef from an old bull dat tense up when de butcher shock he, seriously, man let me try to chew dis piece of old rubber in piece, please.
 A hard day’s work behind you, it is weekend, yuh trying to sleep in late but de madam bored, she gine reach over and shake you and then ask “you awake or you still sleeping?” I lie? Tell me dat never ever happen to you!
Years ago when I was at CBC a certain minister would call yuh home at ungodly hours and when yuh pick up de phone, groggy as hell, he would apologise fuh waking you up but conclude wid “but as yuh awake…..!”  De desire to ask if he didn’t have some civil servant or young girl to go and harass was only superceded by de need to earn a paycheck at de end of de month.
Yuh sick like hell, temperature high, feeling like a dog, doctor’s appointment fuh 8.30 a.m. confirmed, you arrive on time and six other people sitting in de waiting room, yuh say to yuhself, self, them must be walk-in patients or dem come to assist another patient, only to discover dat all six got de same appointment, 8.30.a.m.too sick to cuss, you need de doctor more than he need you, yuh ask de nurse a foolish question at 9.30 “ how soon will I get my 8.30 appointment?” The doctor is backed up a bit, he will soon see you.
Backed up a bit? Doing what counting de cash from all de double bookings, yuh greedy brute!
One night in Trinidad a pretty Indian lass at front desk, completed my checkin and handed me my keys, then looked me straight in de eyes and asked, is there anything else I can do for you tonight?
Lawd, talk bout de desire to tell de truth, I hesitated, froze and then I lied, no thank you and went to my room wondering, what if I did give she de right answer? This morning I might be eating Paratha roti!
I Market Vendor gone fuh now, you have a blessed and a wonderful day, yuh hear?


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