Saturday, September 5, 2015

The opposite sex two!

Based pun emails received last week I suspect I saved a friend or two from some cold nights of only non verbal communication wid their partners. The thing bout non-verbal communication is dat you seldom know what caused it, the “what the hell did I do?” Don’t ask, answers will offer no enlightenment. Non-verbal communication can take many forms, a glare with eyes frozen in a stare that would cause a Rottweiler to put its tail between de legs and run, or a low guttural hmmm, never a good sign! Exiting the car, slamming the door with such force de handle will fall off, turning up de TV so loud neighbours in the next street can hear, landing pun de bed with a thud, routing round on the mattress as if being bitten by bed bugs, hitting the pillow repeatedly as if seeking a sweet spot, never a good time for verbal communication, do not, ever, under any circumstances ask the jackass question “is something wrong?” unless yuh got all night! And the idiot who said it takes two to quarrel never been in a serious relationship, if yuh only open dat door, a teeny little bit, yuh ears gine ring till morning, she gine talk and talk and talk and yuh not gine get a moment of sleep!
What could evoke such hostility and rage? Fuh starters, forgetting birthdays, anniversaries ( apparently wedding anniversaries are theirs, not yours, so forgetting is a one way thing) things you promised to do but didn’t, having to work late or coming home to a meal prepared but not feeling hungry (because you and friends had a bite earlier, for God’s safe don’t volunteer that information). The thing is, even if yuh have to vomit later because yuh so full yuh want to burst, eat de damn dinner and say how lovely it was and if possible, before yuh explode, have a second helping also.
If de lady happen to have her own car understand it is your responsibility to look after it, so if a warning light of  “a little thingie” comes on, you better check it out cause it could be something important, “a little thingie” like de car need oil, any rebuke bout de engine seizing up will be met wid “how was I supposed to know that, that is a man’s job” and whatever yuh do, don’t say, well it was there flashing on de instrument panel everytime you started the car!
Ditto running out of gas!
Money can be a flash point, remember when YOU spend money that is OUR money but when THEY spend money that is THEIR money, simple BUT important rule and do not under any circumstances ask either of the following questions; how much did dat dress cost, did you really need another pair of shoes to add to de dry rotting dozens in de closet.
Answers gine have no relevance to subject matter but gine focus instead on all de important thing you bought (but never or seldom use though you and I know as men we need) weedwackers wid attachments, sanders for woodwork jobs in the future and so on  or the products yuh bought fuh de car, “you just spend over $300 dollars pun crap fuh de car and complaining bout my new shoes?”
And by the way, forget sex tonight and tomorrow, in fact no babies have a chance to break through fuh the next millennium!
Making snide remarks bout dem watching unrealistic nonsense like Bachelor and Bachelorette may result in them sleeping in de guest room for weeks to come, find another TV in de house if there is one, do not respond when she enters de room and makes some asinine comments like “you watching news again, stupes, nothing don’t change from day to day, you ain’t tired of watching news” any rebuttal is ill advised, any comment bout aforementioned shows and their similarity to dog droppings will only hasten a visit to de emergency department at the Q.E.H! More to come!
I Market Vendor gone fuh now, you have a blessed and a wonderful day, yuh hear?


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